Eleven ways to avoid drunk-texting (and ruining your life)

Because how many times have you got drunk without regrets?

You’re drunk and you’re confident. Why not tell the person you see every day that you’re in love with them? Or maybe tell your ex-best friends that they’re arseholes, just for a laugh, right?

Alcohol and feelings don’t really go together, it’s like drinking red wine on a white sofa. Damage will be done.

So, you must either sort your shit out sober or follow these useful tips:

1. Buy two drinks – a drink for each hand, how can you simultaneously text your ex that you miss them whilst you’re juggling two vodka and cokes? You can’t!

2. Nominate a mate – let them take your phone, with strict instructions not to allow you to Facebook message that random guy/girl that they’re “actually so fit!!” Or “actjky do fitt”, if we’re talking in drunk. Make sure they’re the sensible one of the group or they could drunk-text for you and that may get you on the blocked list.

3. Delete – if there are people in your contact list that you shouldn’t be texting, delete them. But what if they text you? Do not fear, there’s nothing sassier than replying ‘who’s this?’ To someone you hate or once had a thing for. Mwahaha.

How to recover from post-night-out-anxiety

Sufferers of why-did-I-do-that syndrome will completely understand the agonising pain in your heart the day after a night out.

Occasionally, in the morning the toilet acts like a prominent hat as you throw up the contents of your stomach and hopefully a McDonalds, if you were lucky. Staring at yourself in that toilet water and you begin to think my mother held me in her womb for nine months and here I am, I’ll make you proud another day, sorry Mum.

BUT this way of thinking is not healthy, it dampens what probably was a bloody brilliant night and in all fairness if your Mum is a bit of a #lad, she will think it’s quite funny.

So, here are some tips on how to deal with yourself when you’re worrying about the night before:

“Omg you were so funny last night,” this is the kind of text that just sky rockets anxiety and you think of all the things you may have said to embarrass yourself- and even then the worst thing you said you’re probably unaware of. But realistically this is a compliment, your hilarity amused someone and made part of their night, so why would you let that ruin your day? You’re literally worrying about being funny, never apologise for a good bit of banter a wise woman once said (me).

Scrolls through texts and wants to shoot oneself. All in all, unless you’re texting your friend ‘you arw acthually my bestjfreind xxxx’, drunk texting is a bad idea. But 9/10 times you said something that you needed to but just didn’t have the courage for it. Definitely not the best method, so try and use that courage in a sober situation so you can actually make sense of it all and read what you/ they’re saying. And again DO NOT WORRY, humans make mistakes. So what you sent a text you shouldn’t have, you’re not going to die –unless you’re texting an actual murderer- and the other person may even be flattered that they’re on your mind five vodka and lemonades in, you are welcome unsuspecting recipient.