Seven Struggles of a December Birthday

Do you know what, Love Actually isn’t all around and you can stick your Elf Yourself video up your bottom.

December birthdays are a little bit awful, being born within the Christmas month means you’re lost amongst the Christmas cheer and the ‘is it too early?’ discussion – by the way if your birthday is before Christmas then the answer is yes.

1. People are hesitant to go out. It’s your birthday so you’ll want to go out and spend money on some kind of fun. But then arrives the excuses; someone is doing their second Christmas; others overdid it on the mulled wine; your friends need to ‘save themselves’ to do Christmas properly; another let-down doesn’t want to go out for drinks, in preparation for their new years resolution, that they’ll soon fail when their lovely summer birthday arrives or it’s someones bloody work party. And my personal favourite: “I have no money, we spent so much on presents this year!” MY BIRTHDAY HAS BEEN ON THE SAME DAY EVERY YEAR, YOU WANKER. P.S  don’t you dare suggest going to Winter Wonderland on my birthday, bitch.

2. Everyone talks about Christmas whilst you’re trying to be excited for your birthday. Oh, you can’t wait for Christmas, can you? Don’t mind me whilst I tangle myself in these fairy-lights whilst bitterly giggling at the Gavin & Stacey Christmas Special.

3. Everyone always asks if you ‘mind’ having your birthday in December. Well I didn’t really get a choice but I lie anyway to make it clear that Christmas, New Years Eve and my birthday are three entirely separate events, that you should all be equally excited about – OKAY?

4. It’s bloody cold. Everyone is a bit ill and their summer-selves have hibernated into a cocoon of hot-chocolate and snotty tissues. If you go out clubbing you enter the antarctic after leaving and everyone’s energy is just generally lower. YAY, IT’S MY BIRTHDAY *sneeze, cough, cry.*

Twelve struggles of a food fanatic

Food, glorious food, this song depicts truth that is both factual and emotional, talk about ‘swag’ and ‘baes’ all you like, songs about food are more relatable. However, all singing, sang and done, a foodie faces several daily problems #halfproblemsnotpuddings.

1. All you think about is food. You go to sleep thinking about breakfast, you eat breakfast thinking about lunch and you eat lunch thinking about dinner. And all this thinking makes you hungry.

2. It’s the reason you’re sad. You’re sad because you’re craving a food and even when you have the desired food, you’re sad again because you haven’t thought of a name for the food-baby.

3. Impatience at its best. You’re the kind of person that’ll need a snack for the agonising two minutes you wait for something that’s heating up in the microwave. Your second favourite question in the world is ‘when is dinner’ – the first being ‘what’s for dinner’, of course.

4. Enduring a lack of sympathy. It’s absolutely possible to be a complete bitch because you’re hungry. People who aren’t crazy about food don’t seem to understand you can NEED Haribos and you NEED 20 chicken nuggets. I hate the blatant ignorance of those people.

5. People misunderstand the ‘order for yourself’ rule. A love for food means you’re great at ordering and often this generates high levels of jealousy. ‘Ooo that looks nice’, yes my dear, that’s why I ordered it now keep your clammy hands off and tuck into your poor decision.