Undercover mothers: the most underrated species

Everyone wants a mum that’ll look at you like an award winning actress, when you got picked to be the sheep with no lines in The Nativity. And even after that everyone needs a little motherly love. But motherhood isn’t just basic human biology, it’s the person who gives you that feeling. Even if you don’t have a child yourself, you may be subconsciously mothering someone else. It’s time that your undercover mothers got a shout-out, they didn’t give birth to you but their never ending support for your stupid mistakes is probably just as painful as pushing you out of their hoo-ha.

So let’s say a Happy Mother’s Day to all your undercover mothers…

Your best friend

The person that’ll have a properly shit night out just to take care of you – because getting bladdered at home is just cheaper and drinks move faster down your throat to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. They may not have taken a bullet for you but they’ll take your vomit, continuous advice requests, your most true and ugly self that farts and snorts from laughing too much and listens to you talk about the same person you dated over and over again – sometimes the bullet seems favourable.

Complete random strangers

Sometimes we just get little mothering moments whether that’s a smile from a Barista on a shitty day or a stranger that lets you stroke their dog. And of course the nice old lady that says you ought to be wearing a proper coat as you stand there twirling in a ripped jacket you assumed was #edgy.

Someone in school

Education tests more than just your knowledge of frogspawn – very sure this is all I ever learnt in primary school- it can be emotionally challenging at times. There’s usually a particular adult at school that you went to if you had a bad day. The Design Technology teachers tended to be horrifying and it’s a sigh of relief to have a kind teaching assistant who will slyly make your crappy wooden box for you.

That dedicated social media liker

Maybe it’s self-absorbent and needy but just like a mother would, some of us want to feel appreciated and love that person we can count on to like our Instagram posts whether we are looking like toads or butterflies. Our social-media-mothers, they’re always there, a notification of love.

Someone you work with

It’s surprising how close you can come to someone you share a bit of desk space with.Sometimes you need your work-mum to give you a reassuring look when you fuck-up. They’re probably the only person that gets your irrational annoyance for a particular person and them siding with you makes you feel less like a bad person. And they’re always right there to off load to and send a sneaky text during your shift if you’re a little worried about something. They’re also pretty fabulous if you forgot your lunch.

A sibling

Of course you have the same actual mother. But a sibling gives you just as much reassurance and comfort that a mother would and we all need – even the self-proclaimed #GymLads. A sibling can help you out in the playground when a kid is being a dick to you, talk to you honestly and openly and most importantly cover up your most deadliest of hangovers to the entirety of your family.

Yourself

It’s quite possible to mother your own self at times, which is character building and makes you stronger as a person. Sometimes we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and say ‘stop being a twat’. The most triumphant and important talks come from me to me in toilet bathrooms when I drank too much.

Love can be found in all crooks and creeks of the world. Most expect to find it in the most cliche of forms, almost like the people you are designated to but sometimes it exists where you may not even recognise it and you simply stumble across them.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY 

What single people should do on Valentine’s Day

So it’s February 14th and the sight of instagram makes the taste of lemons feel less bitter.

Valentine’s Day isn’t supposed to be for single people, so they say. But they also tell you not to take in your own food into the cinema and I have quite literally poured milk into my cereal at a cinema, rules are made to be broken my friends and I got quite the thrill.

So, a big fuck off to anyone who says a single person can’t have a Valentine’s Day because I’m going to tell you just how it’s done.

EAT ALL THE FOOD

Yeah sure your best mate will be dining with their fit girlfriend/boyfriend but we all know they’re super paranoid about their food babies because red lingerie wasn’t quite made to wrap around digested steak. But for us? Who cares, just me, myself and I seeing this body, sprinkle the shit out of that parmesan on my plate, waiter.

POST PICTURES OF YOURSELF

It’s so much easier to coordinate a selfie with just you, you know your angles, there will be no fights when someone is looking considerably worse because it’s just you. Use your favourite filter, plaster it everywhere, print it out, get a canvas because you will be with you forever, so cherish your pretty face.

AVOID CHECKING UP ON EX’S SOCIAL MEDIA

So many people search through the social media of an ex and it’s pretty much like cyber-bullying yourself. What good can actually come out of it? It only makes you sad and even sadder when they’re with someone new, so just avoid it all together. When my Dad’s football team lose, he doesn’t watch the highlights on Match of The Day, it does the man no good. So apply the same logic, don’t look and begin the other half of the M&S dine for two meal.

DO SOMETHING FUN

Whether getting considerably drunk or playing FIFA all night is your thing then go for it. There’s usually some pretty cool anti-Valentine’s events and everyone has got at least one single mate. Crying isn’t an enjoyable activity – unless you’re a hipster, maybe- and you don’t actually need someone to love you to have fun. Sure, it’s fabulous to feel loved and wanted but the truth of the matter is, no one does right now, SO SUCK IT UP. Find fun elsewhere because people like fun people not crying people – unless again the hipster thing.

But if you are going to go out, avoid highly couple friendly places

Valentine’s Day really is just a day to single people, so don’t be making your way to all the lovely restaurants, art galleries, theaters, cinemas, performances – I guess options are very limited. Otherwise you end up very aware that you aren’t with anyone, it shouldn’t make you sad but it does make you feel awkward.

Don’t tweet or write Facebook status’ about how you’re forever alone

And don’t post a somewhat creepy picture of an attractive couple saying ‘this please’ post a picture of your pet for comical value but none of that other stuff.  It makes you look like a bit of a weirdo, even if that’s how you feel, you tell that to your taxi driver as you wipe the cheesy chips off the side of your mouth at 4am, not your 500+ Facebook friends.

BUY YOURSELF A PRESENT

Wow there really is nothing you could love more than a reason to justify a present to yourself. You’re just spending the money on yourself that you would have on someone else. Nothing more sentimental than a gift to yourself where you can think “ahhh no one loves me but I think I am wonderful, thanks me”.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF VALENTINES DAY DEALS

Chocolate and teddy bears are so cheap. The M&S dine for two is to die for, for £20 you get a starter, main, side, dessert, chocolates and wine or prosecco. ‘for two’ is a subjective phrase, don’t worry, the you now and the you later, equals two. You get an even better deal when you don’t even have to share, who’s the real winner here?

So there you have it, a single person can have a Valentine’s day.

…and you can also claim a free six-inch sandwich at Subway when you buy a large drink, so we are all winners today.

Every kind of person you have on Snapchat

On Snapchat you will find both your double-chinned friends and a 10/10 girl – with a filter that brings them up to an eleven*

Every Snapchat friends’ list adopts the same kind of people, which one are you?

There’s no picture but I’m telling everyone my life is a mess. I will not sugar coat this, there is nothing sweet about it, it’s strange. There are people in this weird and wonderful world, taking blank pictures and posting them with emotional messages. What’s Snapchat going to do about it?

why do people put emotional shit on their snapchat stories like 'you're such a prick, I hate you😭' who the fuck are you talking to???

— ashleigh (@ashl_eighhh) June 25, 2015

Selfie central. Snapchat posses some incredible filters, the cheapest nose jobs you’ve ever seen and airbrushed skin – which may come at the cost of a dog’s tongue. It’s a given this person will have several selfies on their story and will probably send the exact same ones to you because they know they’re .

The ugly Snapchatter. This person is vile but hilarious. They always look ugly and you tend to wonder at times if they actually have a neck.Everyone needs this person, their face is art and you need them.

The filter fanatic. For this person no Snapchat is quite complete without a filter. They take upon a different persona for each filter, this app has given them the versatility of Johnny Depp. And sometimes, with the use of filters some amazing doppelgängers can be discovered.

I am actually Jon Snow pic.twitter.com/j3Co1wOcZd

— leanne hall (@leannemar) September 5, 2016

How to recover from post-night-out-anxiety

Sufferers of why-did-I-do-that syndrome will completely understand the agonising pain in your heart the day after a night out.

Occasionally, in the morning the toilet acts like a prominent hat as you throw up the contents of your stomach and hopefully a McDonalds, if you were lucky. Staring at yourself in that toilet water and you begin to think my mother held me in her womb for nine months and here I am, I’ll make you proud another day, sorry Mum.

BUT this way of thinking is not healthy, it dampens what probably was a bloody brilliant night and in all fairness if your Mum is a bit of a #lad, she will think it’s quite funny.

So, here are some tips on how to deal with yourself when you’re worrying about the night before:

“Omg you were so funny last night,” this is the kind of text that just sky rockets anxiety and you think of all the things you may have said to embarrass yourself- and even then the worst thing you said you’re probably unaware of. But realistically this is a compliment, your hilarity amused someone and made part of their night, so why would you let that ruin your day? You’re literally worrying about being funny, never apologise for a good bit of banter a wise woman once said (me).

Scrolls through texts and wants to shoot oneself. All in all, unless you’re texting your friend ‘you arw acthually my bestjfreind xxxx’, drunk texting is a bad idea. But 9/10 times you said something that you needed to but just didn’t have the courage for it. Definitely not the best method, so try and use that courage in a sober situation so you can actually make sense of it all and read what you/ they’re saying. And again DO NOT WORRY, humans make mistakes. So what you sent a text you shouldn’t have, you’re not going to die –unless you’re texting an actual murderer- and the other person may even be flattered that they’re on your mind five vodka and lemonades in, you are welcome unsuspecting recipient.