Five things that happen during SATS week

SATS week, where small plimsoll-wearing people who still struggle opening their own yogurts – no hate – are assessed by several academic papers to determine their intelligence. Some children find themselves in an abundance of self-doubt and worry where others simply enjoy the chance to challenge teachers on how often they can go to the toilet and fake a brutal cough attack. It’s different for everyone but a few things are a given…

1. The mascot

Forget the stress of your nagging teachers, selecting the correct mascot – that your parents would agree to let you take in – was vital. Maybe a teddy or a shiny rock but it’s a given that some cocky boy would bring in their football trophy – this is probably still his only achievement today, don’t worry kids the flash bastard doesn’t win forever. 

2. The elbows

The-elbow people, these  kids will be prefects, these kids will either be loathed by teachers because their parents are a bloody nightmare or absolutely loved because they do as they’re told and hand their homework in on time. But anyway, these are the kids that manage to cover up their entire paper booklet with their arms. They have trust issues, maybe since their best mate didn’t pick them as a partner in PE but either way they won’t even let you catch a glimpse of the date and you best believe they’ll be demanding extra paper.

3. Bitesize

This place was the holy grail – right up into GCSE science but I’m not too vocal about that. If there was something that you needed to learn, be tested on, revise then you BITESIZE-IT, BITCH. There was no greater thrill than getting home and watching Mona The Vampire then smashing out a 10/10 result on a Bitesize quiz – maybe because it was the tenth time you did the same quiz but you felt the epitome of intelligence at this point.

4. The papers

This was a time where the word ‘literacy’ was used instead of English and Maths was ‘numeracy’ and tracing paper was supposed to act like a weapon in battle. But all you actually did was fuck-up the drawing of a stupid shape and have an extra bit of paper by your side to remind you. I never wanted to see a net of a shape again in my life nor did I want to think about food chains. And I most definitely wanted the ringing in my head of my teacher saying “the answers are all there” to stop, WHERE, MATE, WHERE?

5. Day-dreaming

All my young mind could dream of was these absolute weirdos popping in for the afternoon…

…but no, I had to focus on how the fuck to use one of these things.

Good luck to all the small plimsoll-wearing humans around the world taking their SATS, try your best and one day you’ll exist in a world of trust where you can cut your Frube with a pair of scissors and you can get all the golden-time in the world. 

Undercover mothers: the most underrated species

Everyone wants a mum that’ll look at you like an award winning actress, when you got picked to be the sheep with no lines in The Nativity. And even after that everyone needs a little motherly love. But motherhood isn’t just basic human biology, it’s the person who gives you that feeling. Even if you don’t have a child yourself, you may be subconsciously mothering someone else. It’s time that your undercover mothers got a shout-out, they didn’t give birth to you but their never ending support for your stupid mistakes is probably just as painful as pushing you out of their hoo-ha.

So let’s say a Happy Mother’s Day to all your undercover mothers…

Your best friend

The person that’ll have a properly shit night out just to take care of you – because getting bladdered at home is just cheaper and drinks move faster down your throat to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. They may not have taken a bullet for you but they’ll take your vomit, continuous advice requests, your most true and ugly self that farts and snorts from laughing too much and listens to you talk about the same person you dated over and over again – sometimes the bullet seems favourable.

Complete random strangers

Sometimes we just get little mothering moments whether that’s a smile from a Barista on a shitty day or a stranger that lets you stroke their dog. And of course the nice old lady that says you ought to be wearing a proper coat as you stand there twirling in a ripped jacket you assumed was #edgy.

Someone in school

Education tests more than just your knowledge of frogspawn – very sure this is all I ever learnt in primary school- it can be emotionally challenging at times. There’s usually a particular adult at school that you went to if you had a bad day. The Design Technology teachers tended to be horrifying and it’s a sigh of relief to have a kind teaching assistant who will slyly make your crappy wooden box for you.

That dedicated social media liker

Maybe it’s self-absorbent and needy but just like a mother would, some of us want to feel appreciated and love that person we can count on to like our Instagram posts whether we are looking like toads or butterflies. Our social-media-mothers, they’re always there, a notification of love.

Someone you work with

It’s surprising how close you can come to someone you share a bit of desk space with.Sometimes you need your work-mum to give you a reassuring look when you fuck-up. They’re probably the only person that gets your irrational annoyance for a particular person and them siding with you makes you feel less like a bad person. And they’re always right there to off load to and send a sneaky text during your shift if you’re a little worried about something. They’re also pretty fabulous if you forgot your lunch.

A sibling

Of course you have the same actual mother. But a sibling gives you just as much reassurance and comfort that a mother would and we all need – even the self-proclaimed #GymLads. A sibling can help you out in the playground when a kid is being a dick to you, talk to you honestly and openly and most importantly cover up your most deadliest of hangovers to the entirety of your family.

Yourself

It’s quite possible to mother your own self at times, which is character building and makes you stronger as a person. Sometimes we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and say ‘stop being a twat’. The most triumphant and important talks come from me to me in toilet bathrooms when I drank too much.

Love can be found in all crooks and creeks of the world. Most expect to find it in the most cliche of forms, almost like the people you are designated to but sometimes it exists where you may not even recognise it and you simply stumble across them.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY