Stop making excuses on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day got its name from St Valentine, a man who was jailed and sentenced to death for arranging marriages in secret when they had been banned by Emperor Claudius.

St Valentine then fell in love with the jailer’s daughter and on the day of his death sentence, February 14^th, he sent her a love letter signed “from your Valentine” – much sweeter than a super-like on Tinder or an eyelash flutter at a bar.

If you’re bitter about a day literally all about love, you need to have a think. Or if it’s your other half, then be sure to banish all the classic Valentine’s Day excuses like the ones listed below.

“I love them everyday.” But do you show it? This excuse is only valid if this person is so romantic that they’re Love Lock Bridge, guitar-serenading and kissing in the rain all rolled into one. But February 14^th is just one day -and night- to be a little bit romantic and show someone that you care. Of course you should love everyday but Valentine’s Day is a reminder to say “I choose you” like a loved-up Ash to Pikachu.

“It’s so busy!” It doesn’t really matter if you dine at Sketch in London or you stay in and demolish a slightly dodgy yet tasty take-away. It’s about doing something together, there’s no compulsory price tag or activity, do what fits you best as a couple. As Kevin Hart, voice of the people, said “Do you boo boo.”

“CAPITALISM!!!” Oh Karl Marx, shut your mouth and eat an overpriced heart shaped chocolate. Conforming may not be cool or edgy and giving into company pressures may not be at the forefront of your economic and philosophical mind. However, I think in the name of passion, a teddy and a cheesy card, you can let this go for 24 hours.

“Why give someone flowers when they’re just going to die?” You don’t necessarily have to buy someone flowers on Valentine’s Day but if you don’t, don’t let that be your reasoning. This is the very worst excuse, because guess what? Everything dies, including you. Pretty coloured flowers are just cute and that’s all that needs to be said about the matter, there is no life span that can abolish the vision of beauty.

St Valentine had unbelievable charm the day he was forced to die, so what’s your excuse?

 

 

 

Originally written for The Quintin Hogg 

25 types of irritating people

These 25 people are the coffee flavoured chocolates in your milk trays, they just piss you off a bit…

People who don’t believe that someone doesn’t like cats/dogs. “Oh but you’ll love Charlie, everyone loves Charlie.” Nope no I don’t, Charlie is a scratchy prick like the rest of the cats in this world. In fact, I hate Charlie the most.

People who suck-up to the admin on Facebook pages. “Hope this is okay to post” alright Karen, we get it, you want to post about your car boot sale even though it’s not a permitted post on the village page.

People who take great pleasure in knowing train timetables. These people feel the need to squeeze in their transport knowledge at any given time. “Oh you’re on you way to Cambridge? You should have got the train one hour earlier on platform five, on the last carriage to get a good seat” – I AM ALREADY ON THE TRAIN, THIS INFORMATION IS USELESS. LEAVE ME ALONE.

“The book is better than the film” people. Okay maybe it is. But I’m certain they just enjoy saying this, even if it’s not true. And let’s be honest, they love to flaunt their literary excellence because they know for a fact I haven’t read the book.

People who rush around for absolutely no reason. These people are mostly found at work. The one hurrying around with a piece of a paper, is literally doing nothing. Just because they’re walking around fast with an irrelevant item makes them look like they’re working but I know the truth. Ha.

People who sip a Jäger-bomb. This is dumb. Imagine going to a swimming pool saying that your going to ‘bomb’ then you just dip your feet in. If you’re going to do something, do it properly.

Mothers who don’t believe their child is a demon. “What? My Rupert, he would never do such a thing!” Rupert is a little twat and he does do such things. Wake up, your child is Satan in small human form.

Twelve struggles of a food fanatic

Food, glorious food, this song depicts truth that is both factual and emotional, talk about ‘swag’ and ‘baes’ all you like, songs about food are more relatable. However, all singing, sang and done, a foodie faces several daily problems #halfproblemsnotpuddings.

1. All you think about is food. You go to sleep thinking about breakfast, you eat breakfast thinking about lunch and you eat lunch thinking about dinner. And all this thinking makes you hungry.

2. It’s the reason you’re sad. You’re sad because you’re craving a food and even when you have the desired food, you’re sad again because you haven’t thought of a name for the food-baby.

3. Impatience at its best. You’re the kind of person that’ll need a snack for the agonising two minutes you wait for something that’s heating up in the microwave. Your second favourite question in the world is ‘when is dinner’ – the first being ‘what’s for dinner’, of course.

4. Enduring a lack of sympathy. It’s absolutely possible to be a complete bitch because you’re hungry. People who aren’t crazy about food don’t seem to understand you can NEED Haribos and you NEED 20 chicken nuggets. I hate the blatant ignorance of those people.

5. People misunderstand the ‘order for yourself’ rule. A love for food means you’re great at ordering and often this generates high levels of jealousy. ‘Ooo that looks nice’, yes my dear, that’s why I ordered it now keep your clammy hands off and tuck into your poor decision. 

OH – nine reasons why Gavin & Stacey was the best

Wales have done a bloody good job in the Euros but it certainly isn’t the greatest thing that country has been part of. Sit-com Gavin and Stacey, written by James Corden and Ruth Jones, was three series of pure brilliance, set in both Essex and Wales. And we really are all craving for it to come back; you know what I mean like?

Air time for deep-fried chicken.  This sit-com saw Nessa  and Smithy sharing a moment full of tension, over a passionate, emotional and erotic KFC bargain bucket. If that’s not quality TV then I don’t know what is – unless you’re vegetarian then I’m very sorry.

Car singing. Singing in the car is brilliant. Christmas day, you’re full of happiness and cannot sing DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AT ALLL without exercising every single vocal cord.

Ribena, know what you’re drinking. Smithy and his sister, Rudi, display a very relatable sibling relationship. If you’re not borderline beating each other up then you’re executing the perfect rendition of a song and being very proud of yourselves for smashing it.

Drunk family get together. The family get together really could not be anymore accurate, there’s a crackin’ spread beforehand and then everyone dances in robotic and smiley-like fashion to some old-school magic.  Your Nan has had one drink, you’ve had ten, everyone else has had 15 and truth be told we’re all absolutely twatted.

Celebrations. The chocolate kind. It was an iconic moment in the Christmas Special when Nessa and Dave gave out singular chocolates from the celebrations box. It was genuinely exciting and the reactions truly match what goes down in the tub at Christmas. A big nod of approval to the Malteser and the ‘unlucky’ comment all round towards the Bounty.

Tidy phrases – OH,  truth be told what crackin’ sentences they pull together, proper tidy like, you know what I mean? Omelette? If you know, you just know.

It’s quite cute like. Essex and Welsh banter aside, it can actually be a little bit cute. Gavin and Stacey show moments that are really quite sweet, their whole simplistic love story is great, “GAV, I LOOVE YOU.” And of course the not-so romanitc romance between Nessa and Smithy.

Bryn, no one knows what on earth happened on THAT fishing trip but I’m pretty sure we all have sick and twisted versions in our own head. But Bryn truly is great from being one of the lads at the stag-do and turning his house into a man cave to him being the typical overprotective male figure in Stacey’s life. And of course his undying love for previous fiancé Akhmed and how he appears to have quite the crush on Gavin. Bryn singing James Blunt spoke to us all, James Blunt has a wonderful voice -and a great Twitter account. It really made you realise that Three Wise Men was an absolute tune and Back to Bedlam was the greatest album ever made.

PAMALAAA. Pam really is everyone’s Mum upon bringing a girl/boyfriend home, It’s just completely over the top, food everywhere, food she would never buy you or you’ve probably never had within your house but once your partner arrives she turns into Nigella Lawson. For all she cares your partner could shit on the floor and everything is fine but if you leave a toast crumb, you’re dead to her. But we all love our own Pams, of course.

So, they may not have won the Euros but Barry Island will forever have this TV magic to be proud of.

Eleven things you know if you wear glasses

Wearing glasses can be incredibly irritating but they stop us partially sighted ones from walking into walls and accidentally scowling at every human walking our way, so we ought to be thankful too.

If you wear glasses then the list below will be incredibly familiar and if you don’t maybe familiarise yourselves so you’re not as much of a hindrance as a scratch on our lenses.

1. Why do people always want to try them on? This never stops, it’s pretty strong in primary school but people STILL do it when you get older. Do I look like Mr Potato-Head? Nope, these are not removable accessories, BACK OFF. 

2. The weak-sighted get irrationally annoyed by people wearing glasses as accessories. There are people in this world that wear glasses with no prescribed lens but for fashion instead. It’s flattering, I guess. But we have no choice, so it’s weirdly annoying for people to actually want to wear them purely to look good. Here…have my faulty eyes to give your fashion a real purpose!

3. We are NOT giving you a dirty look. In the absence of wearing no/the wrong glasses, emerges the bitch-face. You look at everyone like they said the most ridiculous thing. For all you beautifully sighted people, it is not a dirty look, it is a squint – unless you’re wearing glasses for fashion, then it is a dirty look.