How to be the cool girl

The cool girl is not the one that snorts when she laughs, trips over literal air, worries her partner doesn’t like her anymore and doesn’t know the capital’s of each country.

Despite the female population’s elaborate education in Legally Blonde and Bridget Jones – these are not the cool girls these are the ditzy fun-loving blondes. The girl that all your friends encourage you to be and the girl you think prospective partners may want is the Jamie (Mila Kunis) in Friends with Benefits. This is the girl with typically male-orientated interests but is super hot.

It’s all good and well being told to ‘be the cool girl’ but when you’re done making a dick out of yourself and stressing out over an awful social situation, you sit and wonder, what is the cool girl? How do I do it? Is there a string of twat-fighting antibiotics I can consume to remove my non-cool ambience? Well, no there’s not and I am also sure if the world isn’t already antibiotic resistant then they certainly would be if it started making you more cool. Instead follow my eight easy -T’s and C’s may comply- steps:

Eat loads of food

The cool girl can tackle a burger like it’s part of her daily routine. There’s no worrying about looking sophisticated or ordering something fancy. You order the biggest meal possible and you eat all of it. Sounds FUN being the cool girl, right?

Further instructions: somehow and someway you have to eat all this food but be skinny as fuck. It’s only cool if you’re Harry Potter and can perform a spell that enables you to eat 2000 calories but only look 2 calories.

Drink beer

 

 

 

 

 

The cool girl will step away from the Pornstar Martini’s and over-boomeranged Proseccos. The cool girl will be having a beer. A beer says: “I don’t care what you think, I am the cool girl, piss off”.

Further instructions: you cannot actually get drunk. Do you think the cool girl is standing on tables and screaming at the DJ to put Dancing On The Moonlight on? No. You have to sit there slowly drinking your cold beer with your sunglasses on your head and smile.

Like sports and have knowledge about it

 

 

 

 

Rugby and football are popular choices here. Support a team and actually know the rules, the players and all the terminology. The cool girl vibe is all about screaming for your team whilst maintaining your glossy hair and taking pleasure in knowing the off-side rule.

Further instructions: it isn’t actually a strictly cool-girl activity to like sports but the more you know, the cooler you are. In this cruel world if you are a girl you have to prove yourself like an overprotective Skater with people wearing Thrasher just for FASHUN. You can’t just watch the games, you have to know everything because the cockiest people will seek you out and test you, even if your interest is only light.

Be intellectually passionate about something (something very weirdly particular)

A love for First Dates and Cat Cafés do not qualify here.  Be stimulated by global warming or a band that nearly no one has heard of but you have five vinyls of their ‘best’ singles.

Further instructions: you have to share articles about your interests and wear merchandise from your random band to show true devotion or your just another Thrasher poser to the rest of the uncool world.

Let people treat you badly

If someone you’re interested in cheats on you or is genuinely just making you feel like a little speckle of mud then you do nothing. THE COOL GIRL DOESN’T CARE. The cool girl shall flick her hair and find the next best console game instead.

Further instructions: if you do care, you can still be cool as long as you do not show it.

Be really difficult to get into contact with

You are the Beyoncé of social media and only the elite get accepted on Facebook and followed back on Twitter. You don’t reply to texts, phone calls, morse code, pigeon letters or even in conversation. The time of a cool girl is so valuable and everyone else lacks in all value in comparison.

Further instructions: even if you really like someone, you ignore them maybe until they die and don’t even attend their funeral because you are cool.

Have a cool name

If you were the kid in primary school that had to be given a nickname or their surname was constantly repeated because there were ten if you in the class, you aren’t cool. The most unusual and peculiar name wins.

Further instructions: if you were born with an uncool name, only the dedicated cool people would change it.

Be super hot

 

 

 

 

 

The biggest condition to all the prior steps is that NONE of them matter unless you have the face and body of a goddess.

Further instructions: find a way to filter yourself in real life and you’ve got this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are the ‘cool girl’ then great. If you are a bit of twat, great. If you are somewhere in-between then also great. But the pressure to be a certain type of person is stupid and unhealthy, especially when it’s so appearance-orientated. It’s like the ridiculous statement that many girls tend to say about loving ‘nerds’. You could find the smartest guy in the world but if he doesn’t look like the current Calvin Klein model in glasses, suddenly they’re not into ‘nerds’ anymore. And if you want to hype up ‘gamer-girls’ then you have to hype up the size 6 and the size 16 ‘gamer-girls’.

What single people should do on Valentine’s Day

So it’s February 14th and the sight of instagram makes the taste of lemons feel less bitter.

Valentine’s Day isn’t supposed to be for single people, so they say. But they also tell you not to take in your own food into the cinema and I have quite literally poured milk into my cereal at a cinema, rules are made to be broken my friends and I got quite the thrill.

So, a big fuck off to anyone who says a single person can’t have a Valentine’s Day because I’m going to tell you just how it’s done.

EAT ALL THE FOOD

Yeah sure your best mate will be dining with their fit girlfriend/boyfriend but we all know they’re super paranoid about their food babies because red lingerie wasn’t quite made to wrap around digested steak. But for us? Who cares, just me, myself and I seeing this body, sprinkle the shit out of that parmesan on my plate, waiter.

POST PICTURES OF YOURSELF

It’s so much easier to coordinate a selfie with just you, you know your angles, there will be no fights when someone is looking considerably worse because it’s just you. Use your favourite filter, plaster it everywhere, print it out, get a canvas because you will be with you forever, so cherish your pretty face.

AVOID CHECKING UP ON EX’S SOCIAL MEDIA

So many people search through the social media of an ex and it’s pretty much like cyber-bullying yourself. What good can actually come out of it? It only makes you sad and even sadder when they’re with someone new, so just avoid it all together. When my Dad’s football team lose, he doesn’t watch the highlights on Match of The Day, it does the man no good. So apply the same logic, don’t look and begin the other half of the M&S dine for two meal.

DO SOMETHING FUN

Whether getting considerably drunk or playing FIFA all night is your thing then go for it. There’s usually some pretty cool anti-Valentine’s events and everyone has got at least one single mate. Crying isn’t an enjoyable activity – unless you’re a hipster, maybe- and you don’t actually need someone to love you to have fun. Sure, it’s fabulous to feel loved and wanted but the truth of the matter is, no one does right now, SO SUCK IT UP. Find fun elsewhere because people like fun people not crying people – unless again the hipster thing.

But if you are going to go out, avoid highly couple friendly places

Valentine’s Day really is just a day to single people, so don’t be making your way to all the lovely restaurants, art galleries, theaters, cinemas, performances – I guess options are very limited. Otherwise you end up very aware that you aren’t with anyone, it shouldn’t make you sad but it does make you feel awkward.

Don’t tweet or write Facebook status’ about how you’re forever alone

And don’t post a somewhat creepy picture of an attractive couple saying ‘this please’ post a picture of your pet for comical value but none of that other stuff.  It makes you look like a bit of a weirdo, even if that’s how you feel, you tell that to your taxi driver as you wipe the cheesy chips off the side of your mouth at 4am, not your 500+ Facebook friends.

BUY YOURSELF A PRESENT

Wow there really is nothing you could love more than a reason to justify a present to yourself. You’re just spending the money on yourself that you would have on someone else. Nothing more sentimental than a gift to yourself where you can think “ahhh no one loves me but I think I am wonderful, thanks me”.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF VALENTINES DAY DEALS

Chocolate and teddy bears are so cheap. The M&S dine for two is to die for, for £20 you get a starter, main, side, dessert, chocolates and wine or prosecco. ‘for two’ is a subjective phrase, don’t worry, the you now and the you later, equals two. You get an even better deal when you don’t even have to share, who’s the real winner here?

So there you have it, a single person can have a Valentine’s day.

…and you can also claim a free six-inch sandwich at Subway when you buy a large drink, so we are all winners today.

Eight signs you’re part of The Great British Bake Off cult

It’s definitely a cult, with cake, the best cult ever. The Great British Bake Off has returned to our screens, motivating failed cookery attempts, nerving us at signs of a bad bake and making us giggle over bizarre sexual cookery innuendos.

Here’s eight signs you’re probably part of this cult:

You are the third presenter. READY…STEADY…BAKE! You got that shit on lock down. Right on cue you’re saying those words, you, Mel and Sue are practically a trio and they don’t even know it. You laugh at all their jokes and you know they’d laugh at yours too.

For the next few weeks the most horrific site you will see is uneven cake layers. The cake is cut and the fillings are all over the place, is this baker trying to emotionally damage Mary Berry? Unbelievable sin. Get out of the tent.

You know the names of all the bakers. You gain emotional attachments to the bakers, it’s a real thing. I really think *insert name of serial-star-baker* has got this in the bag. PAHAH *insert funny but hopeless baker* really messed up that pastry. My gosh how is *insert slightly boring baker* still here. And of course that baker who you have a little soft spot for, they’re clumsy but you will relentlessly cheer when they make anything half good.

Twelve struggles of a food fanatic

Food, glorious food, this song depicts truth that is both factual and emotional, talk about ‘swag’ and ‘baes’ all you like, songs about food are more relatable. However, all singing, sang and done, a foodie faces several daily problems #halfproblemsnotpuddings.

1. All you think about is food. You go to sleep thinking about breakfast, you eat breakfast thinking about lunch and you eat lunch thinking about dinner. And all this thinking makes you hungry.

2. It’s the reason you’re sad. You’re sad because you’re craving a food and even when you have the desired food, you’re sad again because you haven’t thought of a name for the food-baby.

3. Impatience at its best. You’re the kind of person that’ll need a snack for the agonising two minutes you wait for something that’s heating up in the microwave. Your second favourite question in the world is ‘when is dinner’ – the first being ‘what’s for dinner’, of course.

4. Enduring a lack of sympathy. It’s absolutely possible to be a complete bitch because you’re hungry. People who aren’t crazy about food don’t seem to understand you can NEED Haribos and you NEED 20 chicken nuggets. I hate the blatant ignorance of those people.

5. People misunderstand the ‘order for yourself’ rule. A love for food means you’re great at ordering and often this generates high levels of jealousy. ‘Ooo that looks nice’, yes my dear, that’s why I ordered it now keep your clammy hands off and tuck into your poor decision. 

Eleven ways to avoid drunk-texting (and ruining your life)

Because how many times have you got drunk without regrets?

You’re drunk and you’re confident. Why not tell the person you see every day that you’re in love with them? Or maybe tell your ex-best friends that they’re arseholes, just for a laugh, right?

Alcohol and feelings don’t really go together, it’s like drinking red wine on a white sofa. Damage will be done.

So, you must either sort your shit out sober or follow these useful tips:

1. Buy two drinks – a drink for each hand, how can you simultaneously text your ex that you miss them whilst you’re juggling two vodka and cokes? You can’t!

2. Nominate a mate – let them take your phone, with strict instructions not to allow you to Facebook message that random guy/girl that they’re “actually so fit!!” Or “actjky do fitt”, if we’re talking in drunk. Make sure they’re the sensible one of the group or they could drunk-text for you and that may get you on the blocked list.

3. Delete – if there are people in your contact list that you shouldn’t be texting, delete them. But what if they text you? Do not fear, there’s nothing sassier than replying ‘who’s this?’ To someone you hate or once had a thing for. Mwahaha.

Knowing your self-worth…

Standards are so crucial, especially when it comes to relationships. I’m sick of watching people go for ready salted Walkers when they’re a big bag of Chilli Sensations.

The only thing that settles is snow, not you. If you’re not happy within your relationship there’s no need to settle for something that isn’t right. If you’re in a meeting and all the good sandwiches get taken, wait for the second lot to be brought out. Never settle for bad sandwiches or bad relationships. And if that second lot of sandwiches haven’t arrived yet then you still wait. It’s better to have an empty stomach than a shitty sandwich.

You should always love yourself but sometimes people are prone to setting their standards too high. You have £3 Tesco meal deals thinking they’re worthy of only Michelin-star quality. Meal deals are great too, they offer stability and everything you need and usually something surprising that you didn’t think would be included. Don’t overset your standards but don’t undermine everyone that doesn’t meet those standards.