Things to remember about your New Year’s Resolution

January is shit. Most of us have been a little chubby for the whole of last year and drank so much that we question if it’s binge-drinking or pending alcoholism. And suddenly at this time of the month we’re supposed to be very aware.

There’s a few things to bare in mind when you’re setting yourself a new year’s resolution and if you haven’t got one, you’re already fabulous so it’s all about maintenance.

One bowl of muesli and a smile to a bitch you hate doesn’t reform you into a whole new human. Make your resolutions worthwhile, something you’ll be determined to drive forward, not one week of temporary good deeds.

Don’t make your new year’s resolution everyone else’s too. There’s nothing more bloody annoying than people who take you on their diet too. Sorry mate but you paid your Slimming World subscription for ONE person, let me eat this block of cheese in peace and you continue with your own plans.

But don’t let anyone make you feel bad about having a resolution. HAHA wow you’re so pathetic for wanting to be a better person!! There’s really nothing wrong with wanting to be less of a dick, so if you’re a dick, roll on those new year’s resolutions and be proud of the changes you’re making. If you have goals then go for it, hopefully your resolution will involve mentally (not physically) blocking out those people who tell you that your resolution is silly, no they are silly.

A journey into The Regal Wetherspoon

When did the pre-drink spot become the place you actually stayed all night?

At first, you were young maybe even underage. The bouncers would look at your ID then your face several times whilst you simultaneously -hopefully metaphorically- shit yourself. If the ID was fake your mate was probably calling you by your ID name – to look super legit. But little did you know, these times are soon to be missed and actually being recognised and nodded through, no ID needed is far far worse. You have become a regular.

But before that, Regal was the meeting point, the pre-drink place so you didn’t have to take out a loan to buy a drink at a club. But as time went on you realise, I’m kind of enjoying myself in here, it’s always free entry and I’m already drunk. This is the moment you thought to spend your whole night in this one place, revolutionary – maybe backwards but who cares.

Once you’re done talking in a crowded booth upstairs, you get another drink, after presumably quite some time because the queues are horrendous. However, if you have the correct conversation and slide in the gaps technique you’re good to go. You probably claim the tequila or sambuca shot offers to get the job done quickly. Or you may opt for a pitcher, the only place where people think you’re a fool for using glasses and not straws.

Once that’s done you rightfully claim a spot on that dance floor. After making your way past the two old guys, annoying girl with a massive bag and the ‘dude’ wearing sunglasses inside. But make sure you down your drink because even if Rihanna is cheers-ing to the freakin’ weekend, The Regal thinks this is incredibly dangerous and you will not drink to that because there are NO DRINKS ALLOWED ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

At some point you head to the toilets, stare at the cleaner cleaning up sick in a cubicle then stare at yourself in the mirror trying not to be sick from the awful lighting – or it’s just your face, no one really knows. And at some point tried to get a picture in the full length mirror because that’s just what you do.

WOW a full length mirror in a toilet, let’s go straight back to year eight and take a mirror picture

Eleven ways to avoid drunk-texting (and ruining your life)

Because how many times have you got drunk without regrets?

You’re drunk and you’re confident. Why not tell the person you see every day that you’re in love with them? Or maybe tell your ex-best friends that they’re arseholes, just for a laugh, right?

Alcohol and feelings don’t really go together, it’s like drinking red wine on a white sofa. Damage will be done.

So, you must either sort your shit out sober or follow these useful tips:

1. Buy two drinks – a drink for each hand, how can you simultaneously text your ex that you miss them whilst you’re juggling two vodka and cokes? You can’t!

2. Nominate a mate – let them take your phone, with strict instructions not to allow you to Facebook message that random guy/girl that they’re “actually so fit!!” Or “actjky do fitt”, if we’re talking in drunk. Make sure they’re the sensible one of the group or they could drunk-text for you and that may get you on the blocked list.

3. Delete – if there are people in your contact list that you shouldn’t be texting, delete them. But what if they text you? Do not fear, there’s nothing sassier than replying ‘who’s this?’ To someone you hate or once had a thing for. Mwahaha.

How to recover from post-night-out-anxiety

Sufferers of why-did-I-do-that syndrome will completely understand the agonising pain in your heart the day after a night out.

Occasionally, in the morning the toilet acts like a prominent hat as you throw up the contents of your stomach and hopefully a McDonalds, if you were lucky. Staring at yourself in that toilet water and you begin to think my mother held me in her womb for nine months and here I am, I’ll make you proud another day, sorry Mum.

BUT this way of thinking is not healthy, it dampens what probably was a bloody brilliant night and in all fairness if your Mum is a bit of a #lad, she will think it’s quite funny.

So, here are some tips on how to deal with yourself when you’re worrying about the night before:

“Omg you were so funny last night,” this is the kind of text that just sky rockets anxiety and you think of all the things you may have said to embarrass yourself- and even then the worst thing you said you’re probably unaware of. But realistically this is a compliment, your hilarity amused someone and made part of their night, so why would you let that ruin your day? You’re literally worrying about being funny, never apologise for a good bit of banter a wise woman once said (me).

Scrolls through texts and wants to shoot oneself. All in all, unless you’re texting your friend ‘you arw acthually my bestjfreind xxxx’, drunk texting is a bad idea. But 9/10 times you said something that you needed to but just didn’t have the courage for it. Definitely not the best method, so try and use that courage in a sober situation so you can actually make sense of it all and read what you/ they’re saying. And again DO NOT WORRY, humans make mistakes. So what you sent a text you shouldn’t have, you’re not going to die –unless you’re texting an actual murderer- and the other person may even be flattered that they’re on your mind five vodka and lemonades in, you are welcome unsuspecting recipient.

Drunkerella: A Modern Day Fairytale

Once upon a time, a friend asks Drunkerella to leave her room and head to a party in the Far Away Kingdom that they call out-out. Drunkerella is resistant but after her friend offers to buy her drinks, it was as if by magic that she transforms.

Drunkerella downs all the pre-drinks and she enters the taxi towards out-out.

Upon entering the club, she notices a drinks deal on Jäger bombs at the bar…along with many creepy men.

After making the most of the drinks deals – not the creepy men – Drunkerella is convinced she’s pulling out all her best moves but a judgemental group of girls reminds her otherwise.

After busting several dance routines she heads to the smoking area to exchange the smell of armpits for tobacco. And a random girl is crying over her ex, so she decides to comfort her.

Drunkerella heads back downstairs, only to catch a reflection of herself realising just how drunk she is.