Questions I have for cat-callers

I’m sure you’ve all seen the film where Hugh Grant winds down the window, takes a deep breath and with no thought, he romantically,  mindfully and respectfully shouts to a woman half his age: “NICE TITS” – and then revs off into the sunset knowing he’d never see that vulnerable young woman again.

Or wait, you haven’t, because it doesn’t exist, as funnily enough, no woman ever born on planet earth dreams of that situation and Richard Curtis sure as hell wouldn’t cast Hugh Grant in that way, ever. I’d make sure of it.

Considering it’s actually difficult to find a woman who has never been subject to some level of harassment – one woman even set up an entire Instagram account dedicated to it – I have a few questions for these verbal romantics…

Do you actually expect a response?

“So today on the street this guy shouted at me ‘legs’ and then I said ‘aw thanks your legs are really lovely too, can I have your number'”.

Or do you expect to be completely ignored as she does everything humanly possible not to look at you?

A note to cat callers: if you're looking for eye contact, try a different melody when you whistle. 🖕

— penny pitchlynn (@penny_hill) October 3, 2017

What do you get out of it?

I’m not sure if there is some sort of club or something where you all share your tales and there’s a little macho-man leader board for publicly embarrassing women or is it just so mutual dickheads think you’re funny?

…are there more points available if they’re alone?

The first rule of cat-calling club: there is safety in numbers, so reduce the number. It’s actually really lovely for the woman to be alone when they’re being cat-called because it makes them feel more vulnerable #goals.

What I assume cat callers think Women will do when they whistle at us. pic.twitter.com/wl8zTix8cC

— Ashley Mann (@ashleymariemann) September 21, 2017

Have you ever heard of a radio?

The widely enjoyed activity tends to take place in cars, as there’s enough room to protect their ego, beers and meat alongside them. It is quite possible these cat-callers can’t function a radio and have therefore taken up such activity.

Have you ever been original?

I mean, how many times can you say “OI OI”? Don’t get me wrong it’s shit, but if you’re going to be a twat excel yourself and try to be a more intelligent twat.

Dear cat callers of the world, perhaps try a whimsy limerick? It probably won't work but we'll resent you less 😁

— Lucy Heath (@lucyheath94) September 25, 2017

What would you do if you were cat-called yourself?

Do you smile with pride knowing you’ve met someone with a mutual interest? Is it like being on holiday and meeting someone who shares your nationality? Must be super fun and exciting.

Have you ever done it with your mum by your side?

Most parents like to support their children with their hobbies, football games, music recitals, so probably shouting sexual comments at women too, right?

Anyone that thinks cat calling is a compliment should experience getting verbally harassed by gross old men alone at a gas station at 1:00am

— Ali P (@_AlisonLee_) October 14, 2017

Do you think you look attractive…and has it ever worked?

When shouting these really fun comments, do you think: “corrr what an eligible bachelor am I? I am a real gentleman who would be an asset to any woman’s life, I can’t wait to tell my future daughter how I creeped the fuck out of her Mum and then we fell in love.”

All in all, catcalling generally makes women feel embarrassed and vulnerable, it’s not nice. But regardless, if any cat callers would like to answer my questions, let me know! Or just shout at me when I’m alone.

Five things that happen during SATS week

SATS week, where small plimsoll-wearing people who still struggle opening their own yogurts – no hate – are assessed by several academic papers to determine their intelligence. Some children find themselves in an abundance of self-doubt and worry where others simply enjoy the chance to challenge teachers on how often they can go to the toilet and fake a brutal cough attack. It’s different for everyone but a few things are a given…

1. The mascot

Forget the stress of your nagging teachers, selecting the correct mascot – that your parents would agree to let you take in – was vital. Maybe a teddy or a shiny rock but it’s a given that some cocky boy would bring in their football trophy – this is probably still his only achievement today, don’t worry kids the flash bastard doesn’t win forever. 

2. The elbows

The-elbow people, these  kids will be prefects, these kids will either be loathed by teachers because their parents are a bloody nightmare or absolutely loved because they do as they’re told and hand their homework in on time. But anyway, these are the kids that manage to cover up their entire paper booklet with their arms. They have trust issues, maybe since their best mate didn’t pick them as a partner in PE but either way they won’t even let you catch a glimpse of the date and you best believe they’ll be demanding extra paper.

3. Bitesize

This place was the holy grail – right up into GCSE science but I’m not too vocal about that. If there was something that you needed to learn, be tested on, revise then you BITESIZE-IT, BITCH. There was no greater thrill than getting home and watching Mona The Vampire then smashing out a 10/10 result on a Bitesize quiz – maybe because it was the tenth time you did the same quiz but you felt the epitome of intelligence at this point.

4. The papers

This was a time where the word ‘literacy’ was used instead of English and Maths was ‘numeracy’ and tracing paper was supposed to act like a weapon in battle. But all you actually did was fuck-up the drawing of a stupid shape and have an extra bit of paper by your side to remind you. I never wanted to see a net of a shape again in my life nor did I want to think about food chains. And I most definitely wanted the ringing in my head of my teacher saying “the answers are all there” to stop, WHERE, MATE, WHERE?

5. Day-dreaming

All my young mind could dream of was these absolute weirdos popping in for the afternoon…

…but no, I had to focus on how the fuck to use one of these things.

Good luck to all the small plimsoll-wearing humans around the world taking their SATS, try your best and one day you’ll exist in a world of trust where you can cut your Frube with a pair of scissors and you can get all the golden-time in the world. 

I’d rather be a snowflake millennial than an ice queen

A millennial is anyone born roughly around 1982 and the early 2000s. And not to mention someone who is narcissistic, sensitive, entitled and lazy – apparently. But despite criticism of millennials, we’ve got a pretty good thing going. Here’s how:

MILLENNIALS GREW UP IN AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE EVERY CHILD WINS A PRIZE

This comes from that famous guy you saw on Facebook preaching about how difficult a millennial is to work with. Maybe everyone won a prize at sports day even though one kid smashed the ten meter sprint. But it taught us not to be a dick, to be humble and kind. If you want a shiny medal and independent glory every time you do something well, you might grow up to have a big head… just like these people judging millennials, hey? In essence we should definitely be appreciated more when we do something of actual worth but I highly doubt a shiny plastic medal for coming fifth in the egg and spoon race is going to shape the entirety of our lives.

MILLENNIALS ARE LAZY AND DON’T WORK    

Nope, just very few companies are willing to employ us. There’s being lazy then there’s physical impossibilities. There are employers looking for people with several qualifications, years worth of experience that’s older than us but of course want someone young and creative to make them look modernised.

…BUT THE JOBS MILLENNIALS DO HAVE ARE STUPID  

We’ve learnt to monetise on our passions that seemed like hobbies – you can laugh at YouTubers but they wouldn’t hear you because their houses are bloody huge.

MILLENNIALS CRY ALL THE TIME

Call us sensitive but you’re just bastards. Millennials are compared to delicate flowers who can’t take a joke. Which generation came up with memes, lads? Whilst you were out there watching the same three television programmes for your laughs, we MAKE the laughs, it’s called innovation, bitches. Anyway, just because millennials value feelings, stand up for what’s right and want to make a change, doesn’t make us sensitive, it makes us strong. Not wanting to make people feel like shit is the new cool, the evidence of this is on all of our best-friends’ Instagram comments.

MILLENNIALS GET EVERYTHING HANDED TO THEM

Oh tell me again Colin how you got that job without any qualifications that I’ve been working my arse off for several years? And you’re not letting us in on that housing market without a deposit that our wage slip would laugh at either. Everyone gets things handed to them, we all need help and that’s okay. And maybe you didn’t get anything handed to you but life is unfair and being bitter doesn’t help anyone.

MILLENNIALS ARE ADDICTED TO THEIR PHONES

*writes Susan, aged 45, on Facebook* I am certain the 30-40 year old age demographic has now taken over Facebook, they’re the ones at events snapping away at every little detail, making you wait to blow out your candles, just so they can update the school playground crew that they’re having a fabulous afternoon. It’s not a crime to be a bit addicted to our phones because most people are, everything in moderation but let’s not be singling out an entire generation.

MILLENNIALS DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING!

We actually care about everything, maybe a bit too much – check out anxiety levels among young people. We are the first generation to drive forward talking about mental health and the affect of this should allow our children to be open and honest about their struggles. Maybe we look like we don’t care but we just get things done a little faster. People are just angry because we are innovating. We can come up with new ways to complete tasks faster then tweet about our meal deal  after – even quicker than a non-millennial can work out how to make a YouTube video go full screen.

MILLENNIALS HAVE TAKEN POLITICAL CORRECTNESS TOO FAR

At times there has been a few ridiculous stories where people would cause a fuss over the feelings of a cushion but on the whole millennials are interested in politics and standing up for what’s right. The stance that the real world is a certain way, makes no room for change and we appear to be the most accepting generation ever, so go us.

As the influential and iconic Elsa from Frozen says, the cold never bothered me anyway and I am perfectly happy being a little snowflake. And I guess as us millennials are so sensitive and too lazy to argue anyway, let’s all be friends?

Meryl Streep: some people are missing the point

Meryl Streep took the opportunity to make a passionate speech at the Golden Globes, whilst collecting her Cecil B. DeMille Award.

Currently her speech is being shared everywhere. And rightly so.

However, there are many articles naming her to be ‘lashing out‘, ‘slamming‘, ‘attacking Donald Trump‘ and Piers Morgan even said she was ‘pouring oil to the fire‘- I think these reports are missing the point.

People often pounce on the opportunity that people are doing wrong and causing a political stir whilst completely dismissing many beautiful points she made aside from mentioning Donald Trump’s cruel imitation of a disabled reporter.

I’ve analysed her speech to make sure everyone notices five key parts.

1. What is Hollywood anyway? It’s just a bunch of people from other places.

“I was born and raised and created in the public schools of New Jersey.”
“Viola [Davis] was born in a sharecropper’s cabin in South Carolina.”
“Sarah Paulson was raised by a single mom in Brooklyn.”
“Sarah Jessica Parker was one of seven or eight kids from Ohio.”
“Amy Adams was born in Italy.”
“Natalie Portman was born in Jerusalem.”
“And the beautiful Ruth Negga was born in Ethiopia.”
“Gosling, like all the nicest people, is Canadian.”
“And Dev Patel was born in Kenya, raised in London, is here for playing an Indian raised in Tasmania.”

Meryl Streep identified and recognised that nowhere is filled with the same people, the same race, upbringing, nationality or anything. Arguably the most prestigious and successful place in the world, Hollywood, is “crawling with outsiders and foreigners” and it’s actually bloody fantastic – this shouldn’t be forgotten. The world would be somewhat boring if everyone was exactly the same. And our Hollywood films would be dull and uniformed. It’s diversity that adds intrigue and it’s ignorance that creates hate and dismisses art.

2. “And this instinct to humiliate, when it’s modelled by someone in the public platform, by someone powerful, it filters down into everybody’s life, because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same thing.”

Streep highlights the importance to remember that just because someone has power and enough media attention, their actions are not justifiable nor should they be copied. It is a moment of clarity to recognise the danger of negative people in the limelight and the significance to keep morals close to our hearts not a false sense of permission to behave immorally too. Be kind.

3. Disrespect invites disrespect. Violence incites violence. When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose.

This could be taken that we are losing because the powerful appear to be bullying – specifically referring to Trump– but this should be looked at from a different perspective. We too can be disrespectful and violent which will only initiate the same reaction. Not to be cheesy – in fact I would rather cheese than violence – Streep accentuates that love and kindness must conquer, which is a wonderful plan in my eyes.

4. Join me in supporting the committee to protect journalists. Because we’re going to need them going forward. And they’ll need us to safeguard the truth.

Journalists can often be viewed as people that’ll do anything for a story, which is the case for same, but they are also the ones you get your news from, the people who can tell you what’s going on. Ultimately journalists do safeguard the truth and in awful situations can expose the wrong. We do need these people.

And the fifth most beautiful part of all to Meryl Streep’s speech:

“As my friend, the dear departed Princess Leia, said to me once, take your broken heart, make it into art. Thank you.”

Adele has known this secret for years, in times of sadness and sorrow, do something great.

 

 

Things to remember about your New Year’s Resolution

January is shit. Most of us have been a little chubby for the whole of last year and drank so much that we question if it’s binge-drinking or pending alcoholism. And suddenly at this time of the month we’re supposed to be very aware.

There’s a few things to bare in mind when you’re setting yourself a new year’s resolution and if you haven’t got one, you’re already fabulous so it’s all about maintenance.

One bowl of muesli and a smile to a bitch you hate doesn’t reform you into a whole new human. Make your resolutions worthwhile, something you’ll be determined to drive forward, not one week of temporary good deeds.

Don’t make your new year’s resolution everyone else’s too. There’s nothing more bloody annoying than people who take you on their diet too. Sorry mate but you paid your Slimming World subscription for ONE person, let me eat this block of cheese in peace and you continue with your own plans.

But don’t let anyone make you feel bad about having a resolution. HAHA wow you’re so pathetic for wanting to be a better person!! There’s really nothing wrong with wanting to be less of a dick, so if you’re a dick, roll on those new year’s resolutions and be proud of the changes you’re making. If you have goals then go for it, hopefully your resolution will involve mentally (not physically) blocking out those people who tell you that your resolution is silly, no they are silly.

Six reasons why dating is awful (sometimes)

Dating is a bizarre concept. You both fulfil a human function of eating or drinking with a person you don’t really know in the hope to spend more time with them and piss people off with your love on Instagram. Quite frankly, dating is a dire experience because as humans we are also equally dire, so two unrelated humans getting together is a social explosion.

Here’s six reasons why dating can -because it’s actually quite lovely- be awful:

You aren’t really yourself anyway. We will hold back on the jokes we make in case we offend them, we laugh at every joke to make them feel at ease and sometimes we don’t laugh as much as we want to, to avoid being mistaken for a horse. The problem is, your future partner is the one in which you will be making vile jokes to and laughing like a farm animal. So, if they don’t like your humour then you are saving time on a lot of shit dates. Let’s not leave the one waiting who will join you in hell for this humour.

The follow-up. It is obligatory to agree to see each other again or decide to be friends – and by friends this means a Facebook friend you will delete in the next two months. It’s incredibly awkward to tell someone you don’t like them for who they are because that’s just rude. There isn’t a right way to do it but you must be as kind as possible and try to save their dignity with poor excuses. Dating would be a lot easier if it worked like the follow-up of a job interview, “Dear applicant, unfortunately you were unsuccessful in receiving a second date. I am looking for someone who appreciates my alarmingly large appetite, worrying banter and does not look concerned at the suggestion of drinking shots to ease nerves. Kind Regards, a very bored person you dated.”

The modern era. Suddenly being ‘a good texter’ is important and things just get more complicated. I don’t expect to be swept off my feet or for someone to appear outside my window with a boombox but I’m also not after a ‘like’ on all my profile pictures for them to show some interest. Overall, dating in the younger generation is beyond a joke. “So, like what are you guys?”

Well, we are Facebook friends but I don’t follow them on Twitter but I definitely stalk their Twitter but I am not quite at the stage where I am obliged to like everything they post on Instagram and I guess we text most days and we’re Snapchat best-friends and we meet up on weekends and they’ve kind of met my family but we are definitively most definitely NOT in a relationship – but I would feel slightly cheated on if they kissed someone else, obviously.

You know everything about them already. You can deny it but you will have a little look at their Facebook and then you make small talk on the date pretending not to know they have two brothers and a love for some Facebook prankster. I strongly advise getting to know someone naturally like normal people did before the internet, it’s actually more fun.

The constant need to update people. Before a date you may be incredibly nervous so naturally you tell people about it to offload. But then this is always a regret “How did that date go with that guy/girl?!” – umm how am I supposed to say that I judged them due to their poor choice of football club?

So much of it is forced. A lot of the time dating takes place because people are desperate to be in a relationship. You can walk past Prezzo and see at least one pair -but definitely NOT a couple- conversing over pizza and praying it all goes well so they can smugly tell their family at Christmas that they’re not such a sad act. I admire those who go out and chase for what they want but in the world of relationships it’s always a bad idea. If you have to chase after someone, this means they’re running away. Take a casual stroll and hope to find the right person – or trip them up whilst they’re running. Dating is overall, a bit shit and very scary. But those who put themselves out there are still more likely to succeed in the dating game than those who don’t.

Final tips for all you potential daters out there: be the crude farm-animal that you truly are; handle the follow-up with kindness; take a course in texting; avoid Facebook stalking and get to know them for real; don’t tell too many people; and do not force it. And if it doesn’t work out, consider yourself as simply niche – a select taste but still absolutely bloody brilliant the right person, unless you’re sugar-free then you will be single forever.

If ex-boyfriends were football teams

Football teams, they create their own specific personality, you hate some, you love one and you forget about some, much like ex-boyfriends.

Chelsea – this was your super popular boyfriend in secondary school, he had the nice car and a pretty good reputation. He was really wealthy and you had a lot of meals at his house that you could barely pronounce. But he was always too posh to make a noise when he climaxed.

Tottenham – the boy who was a bit boring and bottled it when it mattered most. What about that date that never happened? He was always in competition with your last boyfriend and he forever felt like he was second best to him. Your relationship could have really kicked off if he found the confidence and got over your arsenal of an ex.

Manchester City – he took you on all the best dates but deep down you know that all he had was money. There was never any real chemistry between the two of you and he really was just trying to buy your affection.

Liverpool – this was the boyfriend you had an incredible amount of passion with and everyone wanted what you had. But nowadays he’s a middle-aged man who can only talk about the hot girls he used to date, he had a great track record of girlfriends and he never lets anyone forget about it – especially his uglier twin, Everton.

Arsenal – the boy who shows all the signs of being great and then lets you down. He promises to buy you flowers but thinks you don’t need them, even though it really would improve your relationship. But his lack of effort doesn’t stop you going back, maybe he’s changed? Maybe it’ll be different this time? But no matter how long you leave it, every time you see them, they always appear to be exactly the same, even the fourth time around.

Leicester City – the boy who suddenly got fit and had everything going for him. This is the shock story from school, he’s the guy no one really knew about. But you were nice to him and you believed in him, then against all odds he turned out to be the best boyfriend you’ve had this season.  Of course you had your doubts though, is this just the honeymoon phase, or is it the real thing?

 

Manchester United –  this was the really good looking ex but he had a massive inferiority complex. He was constantly comparing you to his mates girlfriends and worrying that his mates were actually better looking than him. You had no time for this ex and you just wish he would focus on your relationship but instead he spent his time sizing himself up against the other guys.

Southampton -He was the boyfriend before the real boyfriend.  This is the boyfriend you were too good for, you had a great relationship at the start but you know you needed to move on to better things, a lot of his ex’s did the same and you were no exception.

How not to lose friends finding themselves

All ‘finding yourself’ and ‘vibes’ jokes aside, it’s a little tricky when your favourite people jet off to have the most amazing times of their lives whilst you’re sat at home.It feels like they’re friend-cheating on you, what do you do when your friends are making new friends, new memories with other people?

Be patient. Most travellers set off for around 3-6 months, it’s a long time. But you must be patient and remind yourself that they’re not leaving your friendship at the Full Moon Party in Koh Phangan – along with their tenth pair of flip-flops.

Take Notice. Praying to the hostel and phone signal Gods, your friends are likely to have the opportunity to post all their wonderful thought and photos on social media. Take notice of what they have to say, where they are and what they’re doing. It’s often forgotten that these people travelling actually miss you back (aww) and it’ll be nice for them to know you’re thinking of them and paying attention to their travels. And if you don’t then maybe they’ll start rating the companionship of elephants and koalas more than your good-self.

Keep in contact. Every now and again message your friends via text/skype/social media. It’s important to keep them up to date with your life too or you’ll be on a completely different page when they get back. It’s also important to ask what they’re doing and how they are, a little thought goes a long way. Even if it does feel like they’d be impossible to reach and have become the captain of a far-away boat or something.

Understand. Surprisingly, although it’s vital to keep in contact, it’s not that easy when your friends are exploring caves and going on wild adventures – whilst trying not to lose their phones amongst all this fun. You have to be empathetic and know that it is difficult to make contact sometimes and you shouldn’t hold that against them. Wi-Fi to someone travelling is just like discovering the internet all over again, you have to respect that.

Be happy. It’s completely understandable you’re going to be jealous of your friends, if it’s not of their tan and naturally highlighted hair then it’ll definitely be the experiences. But bitterness never made anything sweet and it definitely won’t aid a distanced relationship. Be happy for your friends or you can’t really call yourself a friend at all. You’re just as pleasant as a dodgy stomach from a new foreign delicacy, don’t give them another pain.

Listen. It’s a given your friends will talk LOADS about their travels, maybe repeat their stories once or twice. But it’s important you listen and take interest. This was an incredible part in their life and if you’re their true friend you should want to feel connected to their adventures. And besides if you decide to travel yourself, you can look beyond Trip Advisor.

There’s enough snakes where they’re going, don’t be one of them

Make a fuss. This applies to before they leave and when they come back. Wish them good luck and safety, try to say goodbye before they leave. You must also make an effort to see them upon their return, things may have completely changed around you but they’re returning to the same place they left several months ago, don’t make them feel any different. I mean, how would you feel returning to the UK to find out we now have a female Prime Minister and everyone is playing Pokémon and actually going outside again. It’s like waking up from an unscheduled nap, it’s very confusing, so don’t add to that confusion.

And for all those adventurers, don’t forget it’s a two-way street. Accept the fact they may be busy doing their own thing; take notice of what they’re up to as well; and don’t forget to keep in contact and make the effort when you get back. It’s the thought that makes the difference.

Even if you’re not as cute as a baby elephant, as mesmerising as a deep blue ocean or as beautiful as a swing in the sunset, you’re still their friend no matter where they are.

Written for The Adventure Gang

 

 

 

 

Annoying advice people love to give

Life is full of clichés (I think that’s one in itself) and advice but a lot of it is, well, shit. My favourite cliché is ‘don’t regret what once made you happy’ and I agree with this with almost all of my heart because regret doesn’t get you anywhere and happiness does. But people need to stop saying it after every mistake you make or you’ll be a big mess crying in your bikini saying “well that 20 nuggets share box made me happy last week.” *cries and uploads scenery picture instead to Instagram*

Irritating and mostly useless advice:

“He’s being mean because he likes you” – this very advice is why women have a thing for horrible men. You’ll probably get told this in primary school, so encourage your daughter just to throat-punch* boys that are mean to her, not assume that he likes her. Take this advice right into adulthood, if he’s mean to you then he’s just a dick, he doesn’t fancy you. But if he BANTERS with you, then marry him, obviously.

*just a joke, I do not condone the encouragement of throat punching (in general).

“Just be yourself” – WELL, myself is the same person that is unemployed, single and a little bit dim. Never be afraid to be yourself, yourself is the best kind of self but in some situations, be less yourself, just a tiny bit. Like in a job interview, you may be full of banter but save that for the work party once you get the job.

“Think of the money” – the universal saying for ‘your job is shit’. Quite frankly, thinking of the money is actually a terrible idea because it’s quite depressing to realise you’ve worked a full day that’ll transfer into a Nandos and a packet of skittles.