REMINDER: This is not a place for judging, feeling bad about yourself or being miserable. This is the safest of places. This is where to feel better when life does what it does best. And of course after you make one too many tequila-fuelled decisions.
It’s definitely a cult, with cake, the best cult ever. The Great British Bake Off has returned to our screens, motivating failed cookery attempts, nerving us at signs of a bad bake and making us giggle over bizarre sexual cookery innuendos.
Here’s eight signs you’re probably part of this cult:
You are the third presenter. READY…STEADY…BAKE! You got that shit on lock down. Right on cue you’re saying those words, you, Mel and Sue are practically a trio and they don’t even know it. You laugh at all their jokes and you know they’d laugh at yours too.
For the next few weeks the most horrific site you will see is uneven cake layers. The cake is cut and the fillings are all over the place, is this baker trying to emotionally damage Mary Berry? Unbelievable sin. Get out of the tent.
You know the names of all the bakers. You gain emotional attachments to the bakers, it’s a real thing. I really think *insert name of serial-star-baker* has got this in the bag. PAHAH *insert funny but hopeless baker* really messed up that pastry. My gosh how is *insert slightly boring baker* still here. And of course that baker who you have a little soft spot for, they’re clumsy but you will relentlessly cheer when they make anything half good.
Wales have done a bloody good job in the Euros but it certainly isn’t the greatest thing that country has been part of. Sit-com Gavin and Stacey, written by James Corden and Ruth Jones, was three series of pure brilliance, set in both Essex and Wales. And we really are all craving for it to come back; you know what I mean like?
Air time for deep-fried chicken. This sit-com saw Nessa and Smithy sharing a moment full of tension, over a passionate, emotional and erotic KFC bargain bucket. If that’s not quality TV then I don’t know what is – unless you’re vegetarian then I’m very sorry.
Car singing. Singing in the car is brilliant. Christmas day, you’re full of happiness and cannot sing DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME AT ALLL without exercising every single vocal cord.
Ribena, know what you’re drinking. Smithy and his sister, Rudi, display a very relatable sibling relationship. If you’re not borderline beating each other up then you’re executing the perfect rendition of a song and being very proud of yourselves for smashing it.
Drunk family get together. The family get together really could not be anymore accurate, there’s a crackin’ spread beforehand and then everyone dances in robotic and smiley-like fashion to some old-school magic. Your Nan has had one drink, you’ve had ten, everyone else has had 15 and truth be told we’re all absolutely twatted.
Celebrations. The chocolate kind. It was an iconic moment in the Christmas Special when Nessa and Dave gave out singular chocolates from the celebrations box. It was genuinely exciting and the reactions truly match what goes down in the tub at Christmas. A big nod of approval to the Malteser and the ‘unlucky’ comment all round towards the Bounty.
Tidy phrases – OH, truth be told what crackin’ sentences they pull together, proper tidy like, you know what I mean? Omelette? If you know, you just know.
It’s quite cute like. Essex and Welsh banter aside, it can actually be a little bit cute. Gavin and Stacey show moments that are really quite sweet, their whole simplistic love story is great, “GAV, I LOOVE YOU.” And of course the not-so romanitc romance between Nessa and Smithy.
Bryn, no one knows what on earth happened on THAT fishing trip but I’m pretty sure we all have sick and twisted versions in our own head. But Bryn truly is great from being one of the lads at the stag-do and turning his house into a man cave to him being the typical overprotective male figure in Stacey’s life. And of course his undying love for previous fiancé Akhmed and how he appears to have quite the crush on Gavin. Bryn singing James Blunt spoke to us all, James Blunt has a wonderful voice -and a great Twitter account. It really made you realise that Three Wise Men was an absolute tune and Back to Bedlam was the greatest album ever made.
PAMALAAA. Pam really is everyone’s Mum upon bringing a girl/boyfriend home, It’s just completely over the top, food everywhere, food she would never buy you or you’ve probably never had within your house but once your partner arrives she turns into Nigella Lawson. For all she cares your partner could shit on the floor and everything is fine but if you leave a toast crumb, you’re dead to her. But we all love our own Pams, of course.
So, they may not have won the Euros but Barry Island will forever have this TV magic to be proud of.
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